trains planes and autos

well here i am again, i am going to try and update this daily or atleast weekly, i have alot going on in my life, yes i am still in elko nevada, i had to step down from being the assistant store manager due to my stress and frankly i was getting tired of being the bitch of the store while everyone else sat back and i did it all, so that was mothers day weekend. i recently started to train mma, my first fight is november 20th i am really nervous for this fight but i will press on, for me its a way of getting back to my self, i feel that i have lost my edge, i think i am begining to be too nice to people and its letting them walk all over me i guess that doesnt really make any sence but i just dont care, it all works out in my head.

so mothers day weekend i weighed 205lbs, today i weighed myself and i am at 172lbs and by november 19 i will be at 155-156, i feel great about this, i have tons of support from family, my friends just want to see me get beat up, its funny cuz in the bars i am always the one in the fron lines making sure no one fucks with them. whatever i guess, your all haters anyway.

i met a pretty rad girl a few months ago, we hit it off fast, unexpected. gravity+ trains=?? things were going perfect, we went to slc for the weekend had a great time then on the way home it was a train wreck, we didnt talk once, i knew she went back to her boyfriend, she dropped me off at my place and told me she would come over, i didnt hear from her in 2 days, i sent her a text telling her that we needed to talk, on the 3rd day we did just that, everything came out, she went back to her boyfriend. i should have ran but the way she makes me feel is amazing! im not running, im fighting, for reasons that i cant express. i will add more later.


its time to go spare with my team.

update from elko

so i havent really followed this in a while, i now live in elko nevada, i was promoted to night service manager of the smiths out here, pretty much the new label is a front end manager and an assistant store director, i have more responsabilty and yet i dont feel that i get to use my power that i should, i am kept out of the loop on most things in my store, i work for the most untrustable people i have ever met in my entire life, my store is in dire need of new people to help me run it, to sum it up...i am miserable here in elko.

my brother brandon is now married, has a little boy and is in the army, i havent seen him in 3 months and hate it, its the first time in our life we havent seen each other in over a week...i hate it

found out through a blog that my best friend is renting his house.
myspace told me that chris is and had a baby.
cale is having a baby.
ryan is seeing someone.
scott is dating someone
jesse is well its jesse :)
steve is in japan with the army
brandon is in virgina
im in elko, un attached and lost with out my friends

i have a year here. then back to slc but who knows...maybe ill get out of the grocery biz haha

gifted

i think i have a gift for failing, my birthday was june 3 and i turned 27, just seems like everything i have done since then has failed. im just tired and i need to run away, i think i am getting depressed again and it seems the only thing that pulls me out is my fear of trying to kill myself again, i cant...no i wont go back to being that way, living that life was unproductive and stupid. i know i can thank some of my friends that helped me out of the slump, but now they are all married. stupid!

ugh.

growing up sucks

so it looks like we sold the house, brandon is going to the air force and candis is moving to her parents house for a little while, and as for myself......well i am going house hunting in slc today, i guess its a good move since i am in slc all the time and the bountiful golds gym is around the corner. big problem though...i have to find a place that will take my dog, mindi my friend wants to live together, not real sure if its a good idea if we do but we will see i guess.

lol

life has been up and down for the past few weeks, still hitting the gym everyday and i havent lost a pound but i am gaining lots of muscle but the upside to it all is that i am feeling great about myself and im getting healthy.

we just got back from vegas on monday for brandons wedding, it was realy good, we had a blast out there, just non stop partying, lots of good friends but not all the friends. i think that if and when i get married it will be out of state, and i will be disapointed too, cuz i know there are some of my friends that wont make an effort to travel for it, sad really cuz its true.

so why are some people so dumb, hey lets pretend to be interested in you but when i see you with your friends lets not pay any attention to you, but your friend was hella cute and not the one that was telling me that you had a boyfriend.....ha ha classic!

yelling and nobody knows.

i have sat here staring at this blank page for an hour trying to fugure out what i want to say, so i try and figure it out while i type lol

so today was kinda lame, i was in a great mood then my bosses came to work and then it went to shit, i found out how shady and greedy they are, its sad cuz i sorta looked up to them, they lost all respect i had for them, i cant really go in to detail on what happened but its just shady. i was really frustrated today and i needed someone to talk to but no one really had time so i dealt it in my own way. i took a nap haha not the greatest way to deal with things but it works for me, it helps me bottle it up, but i did release it in the gym today, ran on the tread mill for 30 minutes and the illiptical for 20, there was good motovation next to me the whole time but like a goof i am my ipod fell and shot behind me and it was embarssing but i got through it and ran harder.

for the last week i have been house sitting for my uncle in sugarhouse, its nice to be alone and not be bothered but i am soooooooooo fuckin bored here! but ill be back to normal life on monday but then on wed we leave for vegas and god do i need a vacation so bad, we are going down cuz brandon and candis are getting married, most of our friends will be there so its going to be hella fun. but i am done ranting and its time for bed.

wrestler

so i havent been here in a bit, so things are up and down right now in my life, i have been pretty lonely lately and things are moving too fast for me to grip on, i just need to break for once in life.


i watched the wrestler tonight and there was a part where he and his daughter had it out, she gave him a lot of chances but he screwed up and she told him to never come around, its funny cuz in a way that is the way i am with my dad, i havent seen him in 7ish years and i really dont know what would happen if i did see him again, he is just worthless to me now. where was he when i needed a father.....


hmmmm